When Therapists Ask “How do you feel?” - what do we really mean

Many people come into therapy feeling unsure—or even anxious—when a therapist asks, “How does that make you feel?”
For some, this question carries an unspoken assumption: “Are they expecting me to cry?” or “Do I need to have some dramatic emotional reaction?”

This is one of the most common myths about therapy, and it can unintentionally create pressure, self-judgement, or resistance. In reality, voicing feelings in therapy is not about emotional performance. It is about understanding, meaning-making, and emotional awareness.

The Myth: Expressing Feelings Means Breaking Down

There is a widespread belief that expressing feelings in therapy means:

• Crying openly

• Being visibly emotional

• Having a dramatic or intense reaction

While tears can certainly be part of therapy—and are always welcome when they arise—they are not a requirement, nor are they the goal.

Many people experience their emotions quietly, intellectually, physically, or indirectly. Others may have learned early in life that strong emotions were unsafe, discouraged, or ignored. Therapy does not ask you to override those adaptations; instead, it invites curiosity about them.

What Therapists Actually Mean by ‘Feelings’

When therapists refer to feelings, they are not simply referring to surface reactions such as:

• “I don’t like it”

• “It annoys me”

• “It upset me”

These statements are valid starting points, but they often sit at the edge of something deeper.

In therapy, exploring feelings means:

• Slowing down an experience

• Naming emotional states more precisely

• Understanding what an emotional reaction is protecting, signalling, or responding to

It is less about how strongly something is expressed and more about what it means.

Why Simply Naming the Reaction Isn’t Enough

Saying “I’m upset” is not wrong. But therapy works by helping clients:

• Differentiate emotions (e.g. anger vs fear vs sadness)

• Recognise emotional patterns across relationships

• Understand how past experiences shape present reactions

This process allows feelings to become informative rather than overwhelming.

When emotions are not explored, they often show up indirectly—through anxiety, withdrawal, defensiveness, people-pleasing, or conflict—rather than through conscious awareness.

You Don’t Have to ‘Feel More’ to Do Therapy Properly

A common fear is:

“I don’t feel things strongly enough—am I doing therapy wrong?”

The answer is no.

Some people think through feelings before they feel them. Others notice emotions in their body rather than in words. Some need time, safety, and trust before emotions become accessible at all. Therapy respects all of these ways of being.

Expressing feelings may look like:

• Thoughtful reflection

• Noticing tension, heaviness, or numbness

• Saying “I’m not sure what I feel, but something feels uncomfortable here”

These are all meaningful therapeutic moments.

From Reaction to Understanding

Therapy helps move clients from:

• “This upsets me”
  to

• “This brings up fear of being left”
  or

• “This connects to feeling unimportant or replaceable”

That shift—from reaction to understanding—is where insight, choice, and emotional integration begin.

In Summary

When a therapist invites you to voice your feelings, they are not asking for:

• Emotional performance

• Forced vulnerability

• A specific emotional response

They are inviting:

• Reflection

• Emotional curiosity

• A deeper understanding of yourself and your patterns

Feelings in therapy are not something to display—they are something to understand.